I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
