this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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