first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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