Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
