It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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