I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize