Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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