I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
