ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
