If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
And then he peed in my hair
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