Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
sex in a hospital.. check
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
