My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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