I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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