That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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