Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wear drunk well.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
