I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
