The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
