It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize