My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
