If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sober January is a disaster.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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