she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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