My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
