I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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