every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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