Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
