We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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