wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
