highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You can't just leave with hair like that
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
