please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
