Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
