I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
