I just cut my nipple shaving
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
