stop calling my apartment porn island.
The best revenge is premature balding
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
