...so i touched it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
