Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
