at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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