Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
