The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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