I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
