you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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