Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
