The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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