So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
