Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize