can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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