party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
