You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
