apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
