i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
