He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
