If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize