His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
