I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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