Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
