How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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