I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I didn't notice because vodka
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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