Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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