He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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