wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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