Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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