i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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