my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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