I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
