Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
