you guys were way drunker than both of me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
