I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
