Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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