I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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