The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
