My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
